my mistake about friends

it's amazing how a lil chat can bring up all kinds of mixed emotions. i had a chat with my hou heng tai yesterday evening, and he asked me what do i do during holidays, and who do i hang out with. the first thought that struck my mind was; i don't have any friends to hang out with back at home. and that of course, was my answer to him. i seldom hang out with anyone during my holidays. i don't think i have any friends left. my sincere apologies to those who still take me as a friend (not that they know bout this blog anyway).

maybe i took things too seriously back then. but i can't really recall hanging out with my usual group of friends. i can't recall a thing during the spm holidays. the only thing i remember is hiking up way past maxwell hill, right until gunung hijau, with two of my friends. nothing else besides that. the thing is, i don't share the same interest with them.

their activities were all about CS in the cybercafes, snooker, football, and yum char at night. i have little or no interest at all in things they do. i'm ok with CS but i just don't get the point wasting money on cybercafes (well i am happily CS-ing here for free). we just don't share the same interest. i'm more to the outdoor type. so i took my own route, jogging, walking around, going to the lake gardens, doing stuff which i enjoyed more than them. and i think that's the turning point of my friendship. i turned down numerous calls to CS, snooker, etc etc. i had only three or four friends back then. there was just this one friend who was quite with me though. but anyway, i did what i wanna do, and spent the spm holidays quite alone, but i wasn't sad or depressed being alone. in fact, i enjoyed it. and soon i got wind bout me being anti social, 'beh cham' (hokkien) and things like that. at that time, it didn't bother me at all. i just let it all be. i was happy with what i was doing, and somewhat glad that i wasn't in the group anymore (or so i thought).

and then there was this night where i finally gave in. one of my friend asked me out at night, yum char. i thought i should give myself a break. so i joined them, only to remind me of the bad side of people. during the time when i was alone, i kept thinking of memories of them which i just can't forget. no, they weren't happy ones. those were the bad side of people. so when i met up with them again, it only confirmed my thoughts. to name a few, one of them is super stingy, and he knows how to use his friends quite well, effortless. it is just natural to him i guess. another one is super annoying, with his ever so loud laugh, and his two faces; one for guys, another one for girls. maybe he just can't help it coz we studied in an all boys' school. another one is so damn arrogant (and rich), he actually complains about how the school uses his dad's DONATION! and there was this other fella who is super extra know it all, and wants everyone to accept his decision, and the list of people go on and on. it's not that i want to remember all these things, but somehow it's engraved in my mind. i still remember very well all the bad sides, or rather weaknesses, of my friends. that, in a way, irritated me a lot. irresponsible, arrogant, two timers, almost everything negative, i saw in them!

so as i was chatting with my friend yesterday, i realized that maybe i over reacted. maybe i took things too seriously. maybe i was being too sensitive. i came to my senses when i was relating an incident to him, that everyone has a bad side to show. everyone isn't perfect. nobody is. maybe i showed something really bad bout myself to them too. and it's all about acceptance. just accept those people for who they are. it isn't their fault to be arrogant. it isn't their fault to be irresponsible, it isn't their fault to have negative sides. maybe they hate their bad sides too. maybe they just can't help it. i dunno...maybe they tried to reach out to me, but i was so ignorant, i didn't notice. maybe they tried to get me back to the group. there are so many maybes here. i just didn't know.

here's a sincere apology to those who got offended with my actions back then. it's a sad thing i realize it two years after i left school. i'm sorry for my actions back then, and for the past two years too. so apologies - done. but i'm still not too sure bout forgive, forget, and accepting. i don't think i have anything to forgive... coz the fault wasn't theirs, and i wasn't offended in any way at all. i can't seem to forget their stuff... but i'll try my best to accept them. i'll see how things go. sigh...